I’m Frank Zappa, and you’re watching MTV. You should be watching the news.
I know the guy who bought it. He’ll probably rent it out to you, if you want to live there.
I lived there for 8 years. A lot happened there, but nothing I’m going to share with you. None of it was particularly ghastly or surprising, but it’s private.
The house has a lot of ghosts in it. They’re small ghosts. Some of them are so small that I forget about them. You won’t notice them when you visit because they’re ghosts only a few people can see.
Those people have moved on to new places, new relationships, new cities. Everybody is already gone. I’m just the last one to leave.
You kept the weather out.
These are all completely real. REALLY REAL.
I’m from West Virginia but I’ve lived in Pittsburgh for over ten years. I actually spent most of those years living just outside of the main city area, which gives me a unique perspective. I can judge it on its merits from a comfortable distance.
They Say Words Differently. They don’t talk like the people on the news. In fact, even people on the news in Pittsburgh don’t talk like people on the news in other, better cities. For instance, when they say “color” it sounds like they’re saying “cyolor” and when they say “coupon” it sounds like “cyoopon.” It’s enough to make you literally throw up just listening to them talk.
Watching the Mayor Bathe in the Fountain at the Point. Sometime in the 1800s, the people of Pittsburg (they added the “h” in 1941) made a declaration: the Mayor, as a symbol of his openness and availability to his constituents, must use the water from the fountain at the Point (which isn’t even that pointy, if you ever look at it) to “wash his body, brush his teeth and shave his face.” Mayor John Steeler in 1899 tried to get around it by having buckets of Point water delivered to his bathroom at home, but the city council added an ordnance requiring the Mayor to actually use the water coming out of the fountain. You aren’t a real Pittsburgher if you haven’t seen Luke Ravenstahl squatting over a giant, gushing fountain while scrubbing his back with a big, soapy sponge on a stick.
Roving Packs of Wild, Murderous Dogs. Never, ever go outside in Pittsburgh at night. If you do, carry some raw meat to throw as a diversion.
No Toilet Paper Allowed! You’ve seen the Terrible Towel, right? They wave it above their heads at Steelers games. Do you know where they got the idea for those? Because they’re not allowed to have toilet paper! They all carry around one of those towels for everything you’d normally use bathroom tissue for. Apparently there was a huge disagreement between the toilet paper industry and the Toilet Paper Roll-Winder’s union in the 50s and the way they fixed it was just passing a law that prevents people from using toilet paper of any kind. It’s totally true. Why do you think those towels are YELLOW and BLACK (brown)?
People Don’t Know How to Drive. It’s some kind of badge of honor to live in Pittsburgh and never learn how to drive a car. But that doesn’t stop them from driving them all over the place! According to the official report, there is a car crash every seven seconds. The tunnels are permanently clogged with cars that somehow got turned around sideways so they just built a platform up so people could drive on top of them. That runaway truck ramp on 376 was converted into an actual ramp and people gun it all the way up and just slam right into the side of the mountain! For fun! Drunk driving is actually encouraged. On Friday nights, the police will pull you over if they think you’re not drunk enough! I had a cop once force me to do a shot with him on his car hood. I don’t even LIKE tequila!
It’s Not A Different City. Of all the cities Pittsburgh could be, why did it choose to be Pittsburgh? It could be New York! Or Chicago! Or Portland!
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